2024年3月17日发(作者：)

湖南电大外语教研室

英语幽默100个（7）

100 English Humours

61. The Last Warning

Alice was a secretary. She was always late for work. Whenever she was late, she would tell the

boss that her watch was slow.

One morning Alice was late again. The boss was very angry. He shouted at her, “I say, Alice, if

you don’t change your watch. I’ll change my secretary!”

62. A Clever Boy

It was a very hot summer afternoon. The sun was shining brightly. A very tall and fat woman was

walking along the street. She felt uneasy because a schoolboy was following her closely. She

began to walk faster, and the boy walked slowly, too! At last the woman stopped. She turned

round and looked at the boy.

“Tell me, sonny,” she asked. “Why are you following me?”

“Oh, sorry, madam,” said the boy, “but it’s cooler walking in the shade behind you.”

63. I Didn't Need It Then

A poor man went into a doctor's office. He looked very sad. “Doctor,” he said,” you must help me.

I … I swallowed a dime two months ago.”

“Oh, God!” said the doctor. “Why didn’t you come to me on the day when you swallowed it?”

“To tell you truth, Doctor,” the man replied, “I didn’t need it so much then.”

64. You Are the Seventh

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One morning, John left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got very

tired and got on one of them. He counted the donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and

went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it. So he went back to the

donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on one of them again, and

they all started.

After a few minutes, he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was

counting again, a friend of his passed, and John said to him, “I left my house with six donkeys;

then, I had five; then, I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One, two, three, four, five.”

“But, John,” said his friend, “you are sitting on a donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are the

seventh!”

65. Mother and Son

One day Mother looked at Tom’s shoes and said, “Tom, look at your shoes. How dirty they are!

You must clean them.”

“Oh, Mother, but I cleaned them only yesterday,” said the boy.

“But they are dirty now, You must clean them again.”

“I don’t want to clean them today; even if I clean them today, they will be dirty again tomorrow.”

Tom’s mother thought for a moment and said, “All right, Don’t clean them then.”

In the evening Tom came back from school. He was very hungry.

“Mother, give me something to eat, please,” he said.

“You had your breakfast in the morning, Tom, and you had your lunch at school,” his mother said,

smiling.

“I’m hungry again now,” cried the boy.

“Oh, really? But even if I give you something to eat today, you will be hungry again tomorrow.”

66. Is Tom Right?

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One evening Tom was sitting in a concert hall with his uncle, They were listening to the beautiful

music.

“Do you know music?” his uncle asked Tom.

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me what the young man is playing now?”

“Yes. He is playing the piano now.” Tom answered with a smile.

67. He Swore to Die

“If you refuse to marry me,” he swore, “I shall die,” She refused him.

Sixty years later, he died.

68. Who Were the Other Two?

An adjective has three qualitative degrees: good, better and best.

The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality. “You are the best woman in

my life,” announced the groom on their wedding night.

“And who were the other two?” angrily snapped the grammar-conscious bride.

69. Politeness

Mother: Which apple do you want, tom?

Tom: The biggest one.

Mother: Why, Tom, you should be polite and take the little one.

Tom: Well, Mum, should I lie just to be polite?

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70. She Ate All My Bait

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister to go

fishing. “Last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.”

“I’ll talk to her,” his mother said,” and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”

“It wasn’t the noise, Mum,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”